Unconscious Secondary Gains Sustain Dysfunctional Relationship Persistence

A notable number2 of couples maintain deeply dysfunctional relationship patterns, a persistence often attributed to the unconscious emotional advantages derived from the status quo, termed secondary gains. Psychiatrist Vittorio Lingiardi, Full Professor of Dynamic Psychology at Sapienza University of Rome and former president of the Society for Psychotherapy Research–Italy Area Group (2000–2024), has noted concern regarding these unhappy but enduring unions sustained by these hidden payoffs.

These indirect benefits—such as securing focused attention or effectively evading personal accountability—can become ingrained habits, sometimes even attracting external 'savior' figures into the dynamic. A frequently observed mechanism impeding relational progress is symbiotic competition, where partners implicitly struggle to establish the definitive narrative or reality within the partnership. This often manifests as both individuals adopting rigidly critical parental roles, resulting in a stalemate of mutual judgment.

In Transactional Analysis (TA), this dynamic is frequently analyzed through the lens of symbiosis, where individuals function as a single entity by relying on limited ego states. Unhealthy symbiosis involves discounting unused ego states, often replaying childhood dynamics in adult interactions. This competitive maneuvering secures a form of negative recognition or fills time, offering a superficial connection that bypasses the inherent risks associated with genuine intimacy.

The persistence of these negative cycles carries the risk of iatrogenesis, which describes the worsening of a condition, even within a therapeutic setting, often through predictable 'psychological games' identified within TA. Iatrogenic symptoms can arise from an overreliance on a belief system where a therapist labels distress pathologically, or where new clarity outpaces a partner's nervous system's capacity to regulate, temporarily increasing distress. In some instances, individual therapy without a solid couple component risks creating iatrogenic divorce by unbalancing the relationship through asymmetrical growth.

Dismantling this entrenched pattern requires consciously recognizing the active game being played and accurately identifying the specific secondary advantage derived from the refusal to change, such as avoiding the vulnerability of true intimacy. Secondary gains can include complacency, comfort, or maintaining a social identity tied to the problem, all of which must be acknowledged to facilitate forward movement. When couples resist differentiation—the process of acknowledging they are separate individuals with distinct needs—they often cling to a conflict-avoidant or hostile/dependent symbiosis, a high-anxiety state.

Breaking free necessitates a conscious refusal to adhere to these established dysfunctional scripts, shifting the locus of responsibility for change squarely back onto the partners. This shift involves moving beyond the symbiotic invitation embedded in 'we' statements, which often masks the underlying demand that the other partner must change. The path toward a healthier connection requires developing self-differentiation—knowing what one wants, thinks, and feels—and moving toward a capacity to be separate while remaining involved, countering the tendency to reduce oneself to a secondary role in another's life.